Me -"If Metallica & Kermit the frog opened an Italian restaurant, they could call it Pasta of Muppets"
Traffic Cop – "sir why are you naked"

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) June 11, 2017

*calls my AA sponsor at 3am* I need a tow
sponsor: that's AAA you idiot

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 7, 2017

When you're thinking, really thinking, about what it would be like if Beavis & Butthead were rich. pic.twitter.com/ZX2NLWWJ6P

— David Roth (@david_j_roth) June 10, 2017

I hate those stress dreams where you realize you're actually awake

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) June 11, 2017

At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread

— Brandon Carbaugh (@BMCarbaugh) June 4, 2017