Can we also remove the Confederate monument that’s currently serving as Attorney General?

— Tom Ceraulo (@tceraulo) April 25, 2017

ME: It’d be funny if there was microgolf. Like minigolf but even smaller so u use like a 2 inch club
EXECUTIONER: Are those your last words?

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 27, 2017

[pulls out chair for date]
Date – “why did you have a chair in your jacket”

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) April 27, 2017

The Unicorn Frappuccino feels like America’s version of the string quartet on the Titanic

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 28, 2017

I would pay 10 million dollars to watch Donald trump draw a map of the world from memory

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 28, 2017