Adam Isacson

Me -"If Metallica & Kermit the frog opened an Italian restaurant, they could call it Pasta of Muppets"
Traffic Cop – "sir why are you naked"

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) June 11, 2017

*calls my AA sponsor at 3am* I need a tow
sponsor: that's AAA you idiot

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 7, 2017

When you're thinking, really thinking, about what it would be like if Beavis & Butthead were rich. pic.twitter.com/ZX2NLWWJ6P

— David Roth (@david_j_roth) June 10, 2017

I hate those stress dreams where you realize you're actually awake

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) June 11, 2017

At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread

— Brandon Carbaugh (@BMCarbaugh) June 4, 2017

This might be my new favorite headline/photo combo ever. pic.twitter.com/Rp6W1dJOjR

— Andy Cole (@AndyCole84) June 4, 2017

Thinking in absolutes is always a mistake sometimes.

— Demetri Martin (@DemetriMartin) June 3, 2017

sorry i got bored writing in your wedding guest book and just drew loads of little 3d cubes

— joe (@mutablejoe) May 30, 2017

AVOCADO RIPENESS

underripe = wet styrofoam
ripe = god's unsalted butter
overripe = sunscreen that's been cursed by a witch

— zach kagan dot net (@zakagan) June 1, 2017

after you turn 28 they should just call facebook "people getting engaged" or "strangers saying racist things and also various babies"

— Morgan Parker (@morganapple) May 29, 2017

Wanna feel old? This is what Fleetwood Mac looks like now pic.twitter.com/kbM0UyPBi1

— Shuja Haider (@shujaxhaider) May 24, 2017

I've met a DeMarcus & a DeShaun. But I've never met a DeSteve. Someone needs to name their baby DeSteve. "Is the PowerPoint ready, DeSteve?"

— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) May 25, 2017

The guy just farted out some BT graphics 😂😷 pic.twitter.com/cCMvJ8ytTJ

— Utkarsh (@Jurgenology) May 24, 2017

[plane about to crash]
wife: if you have anythin to say to me you need to say it now
me: remember when i said the dog ate our yankee candle

— k e e t 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) May 24, 2017

Ever since Trump touched the orb his arms have been getting longer pic.twitter.com/ennXKeaRQi

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) May 22, 2017

Hey, I just met you.
And this is crazy.
But here's some intel
From an Israeli. pic.twitter.com/4RaCfYPfwP

— Bryan Tucker (@BTuckertime) May 20, 2017

KID: Daddy, did the dinosaurs go to heaven
ME: *standing in doorway* Probably
THE KID'S DAD: Who the hell are you

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 19, 2017

slap me at the popcorn calendar pic.twitter.com/TjjGffFKLR

— ° Will Wiesenfeld ° (@BATHSmusic) May 18, 2017

skirts at Fox News today will be lowered to half-mast

— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) May 18, 2017

Trump’s first meeting in Saudi Arabia apparently went well. Women can no longer drive in the United States.

— Albert Brooks (@AlbertBrooks) May 20, 2017

[concert]
SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight
CROWD: woo
ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months

— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 9, 2017

found this photo of sean spicer hiding between the bushes pic.twitter.com/YZOMCOvHZC

— David Mack (@davidmackau) May 10, 2017

Guns n Roses has really toned it down. pic.twitter.com/mQXZH7owYL

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) May 8, 2017

"I was offline 20 mins, what's up?" "CIA is now run by Guy Fieri. 72 rats in a suit are the secretary of defense. Tuesdays were outlawed."

— Mo Ryan (@moryan) May 9, 2017

It's love… pic.twitter.com/mCkcnKuQWK

— Doug Coupland (@DougCoupland) May 13, 2017

My brother's changed his photo on the staircase to Kim Jong-un and my mum still hasn't noticed after 2 weeks pic.twitter.com/0zuR0Kuh9x

— Jake (@Slatez_) May 5, 2017

Shout out to birds, the fish of the sky.

— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) May 5, 2017

Today was huge for Democrats. If the GOP repeals ACA, you'll really see our power. Then, once we lose in 2018 and 2020, we'll be unstopable

— Peter Douche (@AngryBerner) May 4, 2017

This is the best thing I've ever pulled off pic.twitter.com/7gariobwH7

— palmer ward (@psward9699) May 2, 2017

Utah Jazz sounds like the worst Spotify subgenre

— Kenny Keil (@kennykeil) April 30, 2017

Can we also remove the Confederate monument that’s currently serving as Attorney General?

— Tom Ceraulo (@tceraulo) April 25, 2017

ME: It’d be funny if there was microgolf. Like minigolf but even smaller so u use like a 2 inch club
EXECUTIONER: Are those your last words?

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 27, 2017

[pulls out chair for date]
Date – “why did you have a chair in your jacket”

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) April 27, 2017

The Unicorn Frappuccino feels like America’s version of the string quartet on the Titanic

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 28, 2017

I would pay 10 million dollars to watch Donald trump draw a map of the world from memory

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 28, 2017

we'll miss everything about brent except his pranks they were the worst [hears everyone at my funeral agree and I shift nervously in casket]

— brent (@murrman5) April 20, 2017

Updated Fox News lineup

8 PM Pepe Frog and Friends
9 PM The Comments Section
10 PM Email From My Dad With the Subject "RE: Re: re: FWD:"

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) April 19, 2017

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) April 20, 2017

me[holding wife's shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 20, 2017

This really owns:pic.twitter.com/MvLjj2TKnL

— Ｓｐａｃｅｄａｄ　Ａｅｓｔｈｅｔｉｃバカ (@SuperSpacedad) April 23, 2017

If you play it in reverse that #United video looks like a guy boarding a Spirit Airlines flight

— Adam Tod Brown (@adamtodbrown) April 10, 2017

holy shit how fast was this rollercoaster going pic.twitter.com/whvd3Gf3B1

— blank (@shr0s) April 12, 2017

Our government is like an Arrested Development episode https://t.co/lBvW8Ig64O

— Nate Scott (@aNateScott) April 12, 2017

And he bearing his cross went forth into a place called the place of a skull, which is called in the Hebrew Golgotha pic.twitter.com/0nrouTyhLN

— Phineas (@Phineas) April 14, 2017

HAPPY INCEPT DATE, LEON! pic.twitter.com/JOa1eMGZpW

— Bryan Fuller (@BryanFuller) April 10, 2017

Alien: Take me to your leader
Me: Uhhh is there anybody else you'd maybe wanna talk to instead? How about Ryan Gosling

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 4, 2017

when your mom is late picking you up from Starfish Club pic.twitter.com/WXhrqJUtXY

— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) April 3, 2017

The Person Who Discovered Sharks pic.twitter.com/USsJ0wL51P

— B R A N S 👼🏻 N (@bransonreese) April 3, 2017

Ms. Pac-Man should only cost 70% of a quarter per play

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 3, 2017

What do you call an airstrip that's been hit by 59 tomahawk cruise missiles?

LaGuardia

— Downtown Josh Brown (@ReformedBroker) April 9, 2017

These 2 squirrels keep raiding my bird feeder. Nothing deters them, there’s no solution. Unless—

Does Jared Kushner have a moment?

— Adam Isacson (@adamisacson) April 4, 2017

Mike Pence Asks Waiter To Remove Mrs. Butterworth From Table Until Wife Arrives https://t.co/gz14KYCvBh pic.twitter.com/9H1fZS4aYt

— The Onion (@TheOnion) March 30, 2017

wo-oah
we’re halfway there
wo-oah pic.twitter.com/TH6aagyNX2

— Anna-Kay Fischer ⓥ (@AnnaKayFischer) March 27, 2017

My favorite networking move when someone else takes out their business card is to go “you sell rectangles too?!”

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) March 29, 2017

TOP PRANKS OF 100 YEARS AGO
• green bean in overalls pocket
• twine mix-up at general store
• boot full of applesauce
• telegram swap

— Mave (@MavenofHonor) April 1, 2017

This is so sad. I loved her on Cheers. pic.twitter.com/zBzfJezhgC

— A͜͞͏.͜͏̕ ̴̨͏̀K̷oford (@apelad) March 30, 2017