If Sen. Kamala Harris starts a sentence in a forest and no white guy is there to interrupt her, does she finish the sentence?
— Adam Isacson (@adamisacson) June 15, 2017
Me -"If Metallica & Kermit the frog opened an Italian restaurant, they could call it Pasta of Muppets"
Traffic Cop – "sir why are you naked"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) June 11, 2017
*calls my AA sponsor at 3am* I need a tow
sponsor: that's AAA you idiot
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 7, 2017
When you're thinking, really thinking, about what it would be like if Beavis & Butthead were rich. pic.twitter.com/ZX2NLWWJ6P
— David Roth (@david_j_roth) June 10, 2017
I hate those stress dreams where you realize you're actually awake
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) June 11, 2017
At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread
— Brandon Carbaugh (@BMCarbaugh) June 4, 2017
This might be my new favorite headline/photo combo ever. pic.twitter.com/Rp6W1dJOjR
— Andy Cole (@AndyCole84) June 4, 2017
Thinking in absolutes is always a mistake sometimes.
— Demetri Martin (@DemetriMartin) June 3, 2017
sorry i got bored writing in your wedding guest book and just drew loads of little 3d cubes
— joe (@mutablejoe) May 30, 2017
underripe = wet styrofoam
ripe = god's unsalted butter
overripe = sunscreen that's been cursed by a witch
— zach kagan dot net (@zakagan) June 1, 2017
after you turn 28 they should just call facebook "people getting engaged" or "strangers saying racist things and also various babies"
— Morgan Parker (@morganapple) May 29, 2017
Wanna feel old? This is what Fleetwood Mac looks like now pic.twitter.com/kbM0UyPBi1
— Shuja Haider (@shujaxhaider) May 24, 2017
I've met a DeMarcus & a DeShaun. But I've never met a DeSteve. Someone needs to name their baby DeSteve. "Is the PowerPoint ready, DeSteve?"
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) May 25, 2017
The guy just farted out some BT graphics 😂😷 pic.twitter.com/cCMvJ8ytTJ
— Utkarsh (@Jurgenology) May 24, 2017
[plane about to crash]
wife: if you have anythin to say to me you need to say it now
me: remember when i said the dog ate our yankee candle
— k e e t 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) May 24, 2017
Ever since Trump touched the orb his arms have been getting longer pic.twitter.com/ennXKeaRQi
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) May 22, 2017
Hey, I just met you.
And this is crazy.
But here's some intel
From an Israeli. pic.twitter.com/4RaCfYPfwP
— Bryan Tucker (@BTuckertime) May 20, 2017
KID: Daddy, did the dinosaurs go to heaven
ME: *standing in doorway* Probably
THE KID'S DAD: Who the hell are you
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 19, 2017
slap me at the popcorn calendar pic.twitter.com/TjjGffFKLR
— ° Will Wiesenfeld ° (@BATHSmusic) May 18, 2017
skirts at Fox News today will be lowered to half-mast
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) May 18, 2017
Trump’s first meeting in Saudi Arabia apparently went well. Women can no longer drive in the United States.
— Albert Brooks (@AlbertBrooks) May 20, 2017
SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight
ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 9, 2017
found this photo of sean spicer hiding between the bushes pic.twitter.com/YZOMCOvHZC
— David Mack (@davidmackau) May 10, 2017
Guns n Roses has really toned it down. pic.twitter.com/mQXZH7owYL
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) May 8, 2017
"I was offline 20 mins, what's up?" "CIA is now run by Guy Fieri. 72 rats in a suit are the secretary of defense. Tuesdays were outlawed."
— Mo Ryan (@moryan) May 9, 2017
It's love… pic.twitter.com/mCkcnKuQWK
— Doug Coupland (@DougCoupland) May 13, 2017
My brother's changed his photo on the staircase to Kim Jong-un and my mum still hasn't noticed after 2 weeks pic.twitter.com/0zuR0Kuh9x
— Jake (@Slatez_) May 5, 2017
Shout out to birds, the fish of the sky.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) May 5, 2017
Today was huge for Democrats. If the GOP repeals ACA, you'll really see our power. Then, once we lose in 2018 and 2020, we'll be unstopable
— Peter Douche (@AngryBerner) May 4, 2017
This is the best thing I've ever pulled off pic.twitter.com/7gariobwH7
— palmer ward (@psward9699) May 2, 2017
Utah Jazz sounds like the worst Spotify subgenre
— Kenny Keil (@kennykeil) April 30, 2017
Can we also remove the Confederate monument that’s currently serving as Attorney General?
— Tom Ceraulo (@tceraulo) April 25, 2017
ME: It’d be funny if there was microgolf. Like minigolf but even smaller so u use like a 2 inch club
EXECUTIONER: Are those your last words?
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 27, 2017
[pulls out chair for date]
Date – “why did you have a chair in your jacket”
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) April 27, 2017
The Unicorn Frappuccino feels like America’s version of the string quartet on the Titanic
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 28, 2017
I would pay 10 million dollars to watch Donald trump draw a map of the world from memory
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 28, 2017
…The Simpsons can still make me laugh so hard my morning coffee comes out of my nose. (Trump’s hair did it to me here.)
we'll miss everything about brent except his pranks they were the worst [hears everyone at my funeral agree and I shift nervously in casket]
— brent (@murrman5) April 20, 2017
Updated Fox News lineup
8 PM Pepe Frog and Friends
9 PM The Comments Section
10 PM Email From My Dad With the Subject "RE: Re: re: FWD:"
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) April 19, 2017
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) April 20, 2017
me[holding wife's shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
wife:The other tag
me:Made in Vietnam
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 20, 2017
This really owns:pic.twitter.com/MvLjj2TKnL
— Ｓｐａｃｅｄａｄ Ａｅｓｔｈｅｔｉｃバカ (@SuperSpacedad) April 23, 2017
If you play it in reverse that #United video looks like a guy boarding a Spirit Airlines flight
— Adam Tod Brown (@adamtodbrown) April 10, 2017
holy shit how fast was this rollercoaster going pic.twitter.com/whvd3Gf3B1
— blank (@shr0s) April 12, 2017
Our government is like an Arrested Development episode https://t.co/lBvW8Ig64O
— Nate Scott (@aNateScott) April 12, 2017
And he bearing his cross went forth into a place called the place of a skull, which is called in the Hebrew Golgotha pic.twitter.com/0nrouTyhLN
— Phineas (@Phineas) April 14, 2017
HAPPY INCEPT DATE, LEON! pic.twitter.com/JOa1eMGZpW
— Bryan Fuller (@BryanFuller) April 10, 2017
Alien: Take me to your leader
Me: Uhhh is there anybody else you'd maybe wanna talk to instead? How about Ryan Gosling
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 4, 2017
when your mom is late picking you up from Starfish Club pic.twitter.com/WXhrqJUtXY
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) April 3, 2017
The Person Who Discovered Sharks pic.twitter.com/USsJ0wL51P
— B R A N S 👼🏻 N (@bransonreese) April 3, 2017
Ms. Pac-Man should only cost 70% of a quarter per play
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 3, 2017
What do you call an airstrip that's been hit by 59 tomahawk cruise missiles?
— Downtown Josh Brown (@ReformedBroker) April 9, 2017
— The Onion (@TheOnion) March 30, 2017
we’re halfway there
— Anna-Kay Fischer ⓥ (@AnnaKayFischer) March 27, 2017
My favorite networking move when someone else takes out their business card is to go “you sell rectangles too?!”
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) March 29, 2017
TOP PRANKS OF 100 YEARS AGO
• green bean in overalls pocket
• twine mix-up at general store
• boot full of applesauce
• telegram swap
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) April 1, 2017
This is so sad. I loved her on Cheers. pic.twitter.com/zBzfJezhgC
— A͜͞͏.͜͏̕ ̴̨͏̀K̷oford (@apelad) March 30, 2017
This brings back memories of the late ’90s and early ’00s, when we lived in an apartment next to the National Zoo.
I would work some weekends as a volunteer in the Great Ape House, where zookeepers gave us this exact same instruction for interacting with the big male silverback gorillas.