Adam Isacson

America getting ready to reopen pic.twitter.com/b6mM0M5cxH

— Keith Edwards (@keithedwards) April 30, 2020

My kid wrote a song called,
“I Wonder What’s Inside your Butthole” Quite honestly, it slaps. pic.twitter.com/A65m6XeZ2r

— Lisa Shmeesa 🦎🦎🦎 (@LisaRieffel) May 2, 2020

Science fiction author: "The official name was COVID-19, but among the suffering people it soon became known as Deathlung."
Millennials in 2019: yeah I got the roni

— Johnnemann 🌹 (@johnnemann) May 1, 2020

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

— slick (@dlicj) April 28, 2020

Calling for a temporary ban on data visualization until we figure out what is going on pic.twitter.com/bQAG1PRQAa

— Emma Wager (@emmawage) April 28, 2020

humiliated. was streaming a public address in front of a book case and someone pointed out they could see my copy of How Not To Have So Much Diarrhea All The Time

— Naomi Spungen (@NaomiSpungen) May 1, 2020

March 1st v. May 1st pic.twitter.com/C8Fn4Sq6ld

— Brandon Schaefer (@seekandspeak) May 2, 2020

Having the Blue Angels fly over the city for healthcare workers is like when I ask my husband for help around the house and he buys me flowers

— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) April 28, 2020

First cut pic.twitter.com/lrszE1SgKX

— Merlin Mann (@hotdogsladies) April 30, 2020

Earth is quieter. Nature is taking over. I stepped outside and a coyote in the yard set down a latte, covered his phone, and said "Can you not? I'm on a call."

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 27, 2020

PERSON: why are you drinking bleach?

ME: because of Trump

PERSON: no! what he said about that and coronavirus isn’t true!

ME: he said something about bleach and coronavirus ??

— Alpha Male (real) (@SortaBad) April 24, 2020

Airlines sending me “we’re in this together” emails. When my suitcase was 52 pounds I was on my own.

— Mikeyunbelievable (@MikeDentale) April 22, 2020

😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Myd5pDpZHl

— chris. (@versacewolfe) April 25, 2020

i am a real american there are three things i love: guns, the confederate flag, hydroxychloroquine, and nail salons

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 22, 2020

weird name imo https://t.co/MreSYobvxa

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) April 25, 2020

Im calling it now. When 2020 finally ends the story of the year will be the corona virus.

— Colin Quinn (@iamcolinquinn) April 25, 2020

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Publication Where This Regularly Happens https://t.co/AOzNJLjzMW

— John Siracusa (@siracusa) April 24, 2020

don’t be fooled. Real Lysol needs to be from the Lysol region of France.

Otherwise it’s just sparkling bleach.

— 🧑🏻‍💻☕️ (@hunterwalk) April 24, 2020

Thinking of Seinfeld plots that could happen during quarantine, e.g.:

Kramer gets too into breadmaking and converts his apartment into an industrial bakery. The deafening roar of the bread machinery ruins Jerry’s Zoom-based standup special. Meanwhile, George is dead.

— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) April 21, 2020

It's a wee bit ironic, he's in scrubs and she's hanging out the passenger side of her best friend's ride trying to holler pic.twitter.com/T2g2UeafA8

— shawn (@nwahs086) April 21, 2020

maybe this is only because i just went into the other room to get my phone charger and an empty glass i’d left on the table, but it really feels like 2020 will be remembered as the year of going into the other room to get my phone charger and an empty glass i’d left on the table

— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) April 16, 2020

One of the most beautifully authentic things I’ve ever heard. pic.twitter.com/VZhNeGvb6w

— Trey Callaway (@TreyCallaway) April 17, 2020

me: he said you’d say that

therapist: there’s no such thing as time traveling ghosts

— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) April 13, 2020

him: my name is marc with a c
me: oh ok nice to meet you cark

— kim. (@KimmyMonte) April 18, 2020

I like how ads have gone from “buy a toyota” to “this is a difficult and uncertain time for us all…buy a toyota”

— california guy now (@InternetHippo) April 14, 2020

I'd absolutely watch a TV show where Steve Mnuchin and his wife were forced to survive on $1,200 for 10 weeks. https://t.co/3GaDj2zaTp

— batkaren (@batkaren) April 16, 2020

[Dr. Evil voice]

"Twelve hundred dollars"

— ben wasserman (@benwassertweet) March 25, 2020

Dating app opener, week 1: How’s the coronapocalpse treating you lol?

Dating app opener, week 5: You seem sturdy and of good stock. Would you find it agreeable to combine our households (I am free of disease)

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 15, 2020

We need to get on military time. If you tell me you woke up at 6:30 and had a bowl of frosted mini wheats, how am I supposed to know when that is?

— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 18, 2020

And here’s Florida Governor Ron DeSantis putting on his mask… pic.twitter.com/YKLHu7nuBo

— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) April 18, 2020

"Sir, that's an ingenious way to avoid getting the Coronavirus."

"Coronavirus?" pic.twitter.com/blKwhOa6Z0

— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) April 10, 2020

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now pic.twitter.com/H7FWUA1YC9

— Andrew Lawrence (@ndrew_lawrence) April 6, 2020

First month, kid's schedule:
7am: breakfast, brush teeth dresses
8: yoga, dog walk
9: art time
10: read
11: break, snack
12: lunch
1: science
2: writing
3: math
4: tea time and free play

Month 2
7am: throw cereal at their faces
8: ????
9: fart time
10: video games
11am-6pm: TV

— Jennifer Daniel (@jenniferdaniel) April 9, 2020

A whole mood pic.twitter.com/iMm4qbW5LS

— Janet D. (@TheRealPRLady) April 9, 2020

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back" with me i will call the police

— california guy now (@InternetHippo) April 9, 2020

Day 1: "I'm going to write a book."
Day 10: "I'm going to read a book."
Day 20: "I'm going to draw a book."
Day 30: "I'm going to eat a book."

— Nolen Gertz (@ethicistforhire) April 9, 2020

Fui al Urólogo y me dijo que si me operaba no tendría más hijos.
Acepté obviamente, me operé y al volver a casa mis hijos seguían ahí.
Pésimo servicio.

— Francisco Javier (@Dienteconcarie) April 6, 2020

This poem is called “First lines of emails I’ve received while quarantining.” pic.twitter.com/4keCqPaO63

— Jessica Salfia (@jessica_salfia) April 11, 2020

The problem with Zoom is that it turns everybody not speaking into the people with a camera on their face while losing an Oscar.

— Emily Nussbaum (@emilynussbaum) April 10, 2020

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

— donni saphire (@donni) April 8, 2020

sorry bear u do the crime u do the time at least u just got community service pic.twitter.com/V8HdVC14Fc

— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) April 1, 2020

BIGGEST TWIST ENDINGS

3) fight club
2) the sixth sense
1) the song “row row row your boat”

— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) April 3, 2020

February: I'm not an impeachment scholar, but
March: I'm not an epidemiologist, but
April: I'm not a labor economist, but
May: I'm not a macroeconomist, but
June: I'm not a hunter-gatherer, but

— Scott Shapiro (@scottjshapiro) April 3, 2020

Quick question: I don’t know how to sew. Can one make a face mask out of an old dvd of Notting Hill and some shoelaces?

— billy eichner (@billyeichner) April 2, 2020

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone pic.twitter.com/ewBTvH3DLG

— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) April 5, 2020

My daughter looks at the TV
“Why is Putin there?”
“That’s not Putin.”
“That’s Putin.”
Day 27 pic.twitter.com/TENK3UFVk6

— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) April 1, 2020

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

— Dani Burger (@daniburgz) March 30, 2020

Punctuation matters pic.twitter.com/f4L0IG0ZjD

— Laura Martínez® (@miblogestublog) April 1, 2020

If you're feeling a bit down cause of self isolation just cut bread into a hand shape and when it pops up in the toaster it feels like someone is giving you a high 5 pic.twitter.com/bY1jyFIPKg

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 2, 2020

I don’t know if anyone else can relate to this but for me, so far, 2020 has been bad

— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) April 4, 2020