I almost killed everyone camping this weekend. pic.twitter.com/W94XqRalOl
— Dawny716 🏳️🌈 (@Dawny716) August 6, 2017
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won't you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) August 2, 2017
music store clerk, after an hour or so: Can I help you?
me, still can't remember the word 'castanets': I'd like your finest applause clams.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 2, 2017
I didn't just imagine The Mooch, did I? You guys saw him too, right?
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) July 31, 2017
Every warning label has a story. pic.twitter.com/Q2h6631kiF
— Burg (@BurgerVonStadt) August 3, 2017
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
— Martin Lejeune™ (@TheFaldor) July 10, 2017
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like. pic.twitter.com/oFt0Nm86wP
— Copy McPasty, Writer (@KashannKilson) July 10, 2017
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) July 11, 2017
For the entirety of his brother’s meeting with the Russian lawyer, Eric Trump was down in the lobby, pushing on a glass door marked “Pull.”
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 10, 2017
Everyone in Trump’s orbit is like a husband on Dateline who googled “undetectable poisons + wife” then bought a shovel with a credit card
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) July 12, 2017
My mom just sent me this of my dad pic.twitter.com/fMuVFTkpBQ
— Paige Alban (@paigealban23) July 3, 2017
There is nothing that Serena Williams can't do. pic.twitter.com/xDAX1md9IW
— Josh Jordan (@NumbersMuncher) July 5, 2017
shutup, moby pic.twitter.com/MXlJiQcAIK
— eve peyser (@evepeyser) July 4, 2017
No one has ever been more appropriately named than Donald Trump Jr.
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) July 9, 2017
If you didn't start hearing fireworks three days ago, your neighborhood has been gentrified.
— Jason Reynolds (@JasonReynolds83) July 4, 2017
MICHAEL STIPE: I'm LMAO!
M- My religion trying to keep up with you
A- And I don't know if I can do it
O- Oh no I've said too much
— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) June 24, 2017
This gorilla looks like he wants pictures of Spiderman on his desk by noon pic.twitter.com/aKQEphkxVy
— Persian Rose (@PersianRose1) June 24, 2017
Apparently an authentic Jedi outfit doesn't let you board a flight early with the other uniformed military personnel?!?!?!?! WTF?!?!?
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) June 23, 2017
adults, 1997: "just wait until you're older, THEN you'll be a republican!"
me, 2017: "please raise my taxes, I don't want people to die"
— kelliott (@kelliotttt) June 23, 2017
Its ridiculous but when I start against the Mets I'm very aware that Jerry Seinfeld's mood is in my hands.
— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) June 21, 2017
He truly was a man ahead of his time. pic.twitter.com/BzKGUKLWKK
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) June 17, 2017
Always check your children’s homework before sending them off to school. pic.twitter.com/RICbkk0I7O
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) June 17, 2017
Soothsayer 2014: “In 2017 we’ll all be talking about Shakespeare, the U.S. Constitution, and basic civic norms.”
“Great. What’s the catch?”
— Walter Olson (@walterolson) June 18, 2017
My mother likes to use the microphone function rather than typing to text while driving. pic.twitter.com/vshphoob4V
— Gerald Austin Taylor (@AustintatiousT) June 14, 2017
Card reader: “DO NOT REMOVE CARD”
CR: “DO NOT REMOVE CARD”
CR: “🚨🚨🚨FUCK REMOVE THE CARD 🚨🚨🚨”
— Emily G, PDX style (@EmilyGorcenski) June 15, 2017
Me -"If Metallica & Kermit the frog opened an Italian restaurant, they could call it Pasta of Muppets"
Traffic Cop – "sir why are you naked"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) June 11, 2017
*calls my AA sponsor at 3am* I need a tow
sponsor: that's AAA you idiot
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 7, 2017
When you're thinking, really thinking, about what it would be like if Beavis & Butthead were rich. pic.twitter.com/ZX2NLWWJ6P
— David Roth (@david_j_roth) June 10, 2017
I hate those stress dreams where you realize you're actually awake
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) June 11, 2017
At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread
— Brandon Carbaugh (@BMCarbaugh) June 4, 2017
This might be my new favorite headline/photo combo ever. pic.twitter.com/Rp6W1dJOjR
— Andy Cole (@AndyCole84) June 4, 2017
Thinking in absolutes is always a mistake sometimes.
— Demetri Martin (@DemetriMartin) June 3, 2017
sorry i got bored writing in your wedding guest book and just drew loads of little 3d cubes
— joe (@mutablejoe) May 30, 2017
underripe = wet styrofoam
ripe = god's unsalted butter
overripe = sunscreen that's been cursed by a witch
— zach kagan dot net (@zakagan) June 1, 2017
after you turn 28 they should just call facebook "people getting engaged" or "strangers saying racist things and also various babies"
— Morgan Parker (@morganapple) May 29, 2017