» Humor

June 30, 2022 — 0

Tweets that made me laugh the most this week

America getting ready to reopen pic.twitter.com/b6mM0M5cxH
— Keith Edwards (@keithedwards) April 30, 2020

My kid wrote a song called,
“I Wonder What’s Inside your Butthole” Quite honestly, it slaps. pic.twitter.com/A65m6XeZ2r
— Lisa Shmeesa 🦎🦎🦎 (@LisaRieffel) May 2, 2020

Science fiction author: "The official name was COVID-19, but among the suffering people it soon became known as Deathlung."
Millennials in 2019: yeah I got the roni
— Johnnemann 🌹 (@johnnemann) May 1, 2020

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
— slick (@dlicj) April 28, 2020

Calling for a temporary ban on data visualization until we figure out what is going on pic.twitter.com/bQAG1PRQAa
— Emma Wager (@emmawage) April 28, 2020

humiliated. was streaming a public address in front of a book case and someone pointed out they could see my copy of How Not To Have So Much Diarrhea All The Time
— Naomi Spungen (@NaomiSpungen) May 1, 2020

March 1st v. May 1st pic.twitter.com/C8Fn4Sq6ld
— Brandon Schaefer (@seekandspeak) May 2, 2020

Having the Blue Angels fly over the city for healthcare workers is like when I ask my husband for help around the house and he buys me flowers
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) April 28, 2020

First cut pic.twitter.com/lrszE1SgKX
— Merlin Mann (@hotdogsladies) April 30, 2020

Earth is quieter. Nature is taking over. I stepped outside and a coyote in the yard set down a latte, covered his phone, and said "Can you not? I'm on a call."
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 27, 2020

April 26, 2020 — 0

Tweets that made me laugh the most this week

PERSON: why are you drinking bleach?

ME: because of Trump

PERSON: no! what he said about that and coronavirus isn’t true!

ME: he said something about bleach and coronavirus ??
— Alpha Male (real) (@SortaBad) April 24, 2020

https://twitter.com/MikeDentale/status/1253055560053854223

😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Myd5pDpZHl
— chris. (@versacewolfe) April 25, 2020

i am a real american there are three things i love: guns, the confederate flag, hydroxychloroquine, and nail salons
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 22, 2020

weird name imo https://t.co/MreSYobvxa
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) April 25, 2020

Im calling it now. When 2020 finally ends the story of the year will be the corona virus.
— Colin Quinn (@iamcolinquinn) April 25, 2020

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Publication Where This Regularly Happens https://t.co/AOzNJLjzMW
— John Siracusa (@siracusa) April 24, 2020

don’t be fooled. Real Lysol needs to be from the Lysol region of France.

Otherwise it’s just sparkling bleach.
— 🧑🏻‍💻☕️ (@hunterwalk) April 24, 2020

Thinking of Seinfeld plots that could happen during quarantine, e.g.:

Kramer gets too into breadmaking and converts his apartment into an industrial bakery. The deafening roar of the bread machinery ruins Jerry’s Zoom-based standup special. Meanwhile, George is dead.
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) April 21, 2020

It's a wee bit ironic, he's in scrubs and she's hanging out the passenger side of her best friend's ride trying to holler pic.twitter.com/T2g2UeafA8
— shawn (@nwahs086) April 21, 2020

April 19, 2020 — 0

Tweets that made me laugh the most this week

maybe this is only because i just went into the other room to get my phone charger and an empty glass i’d left on the table, but it really feels like 2020 will be remembered as the year of going into the other room to get my phone charger and an empty glass i’d left on the table
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) April 16, 2020

One of the most beautifully authentic things I’ve ever heard. pic.twitter.com/VZhNeGvb6w
— Trey Callaway (@TreyCallaway) April 17, 2020

me: he said you’d say that

therapist: there’s no such thing as time traveling ghosts
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) April 13, 2020

him: my name is marc with a c
me: oh ok nice to meet you cark
— kim. (@KimmyMonte) April 18, 2020

I like how ads have gone from “buy a toyota” to “this is a difficult and uncertain time for us all…buy a toyota”
— california guy now (@InternetHippo) April 14, 2020

I'd absolutely watch a TV show where Steve Mnuchin and his wife were forced to survive on $1,200 for 10 weeks. https://t.co/3GaDj2zaTp
— batkaren (@batkaren) April 16, 2020

[Dr. Evil voice]

"Twelve hundred dollars"
— ben wasserman (@benwassertweet) March 25, 2020

Dating app opener, week 1: How’s the coronapocalpse treating you lol?

Dating app opener, week 5: You seem sturdy and of good stock. Would you find it agreeable to combine our households (I am free of disease)
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 15, 2020

We need to get on military time. If you tell me you woke up at 6:30 and had a bowl of frosted mini wheats, how am I supposed to know when that is?
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 18, 2020

And here’s Florida Governor Ron DeSantis putting on his mask… pic.twitter.com/YKLHu7nuBo
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) April 18, 2020

April 12, 2020 — 0

Tweets that Made Me Laugh the Most This Week

"Sir, that's an ingenious way to avoid getting the Coronavirus."

"Coronavirus?" pic.twitter.com/blKwhOa6Z0
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) April 10, 2020

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now pic.twitter.com/H7FWUA1YC9
— Andrew Lawrence (@ndrew_lawrence) April 6, 2020

First month, kid's schedule:
7am: breakfast, brush teeth dresses
8: yoga, dog walk
9: art time
10: read
11: break, snack
12: lunch
1: science
2: writing
3: math
4: tea time and free play

Month 2
7am: throw cereal at their faces
8: ????
9: fart time
10: video games
11am-6pm: TV
— Jennifer Daniel (@jenniferdaniel) April 9, 2020

A whole mood pic.twitter.com/iMm4qbW5LS
— Janet D. (@TheRealPRLady) April 9, 2020

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back" with me i will call the police
— california guy now (@InternetHippo) April 9, 2020

Day 1: "I'm going to write a book."
Day 10: "I'm going to read a book."
Day 20: "I'm going to draw a book."
Day 30: "I'm going to eat a book."
— Nolen Gertz (@ethicistforhire) April 9, 2020

Fui al Urólogo y me dijo que si me operaba no tendría más hijos.
Acepté obviamente, me operé y al volver a casa mis hijos seguían ahí.
Pésimo servicio.
— Francisco Javier (@Dienteconcarie) April 6, 2020

This poem is called “First lines of emails I’ve received while quarantining.” pic.twitter.com/4keCqPaO63
— Jessica Salfia (@jessica_salfia) April 11, 2020

The problem with Zoom is that it turns everybody not speaking into the people with a camera on their face while losing an Oscar.
— Emily Nussbaum (@emilynussbaum) April 10, 2020

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
— donni saphire (@donni) April 8, 2020

April 5, 2020 — 0

Tweets that made me laugh the most this week

sorry bear u do the crime u do the time at least u just got community service pic.twitter.com/V8HdVC14Fc
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) April 1, 2020

BIGGEST TWIST ENDINGS

3) fight club
2) the sixth sense
1) the song “row row row your boat”
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) April 3, 2020

February: I'm not an impeachment scholar, but
March: I'm not an epidemiologist, but
April: I'm not a labor economist, but
May: I'm not a macroeconomist, but
June: I'm not a hunter-gatherer, but
— Scott Shapiro (@scottjshapiro) April 3, 2020

Quick question: I don’t know how to sew. Can one make a face mask out of an old dvd of Notting Hill and some shoelaces?
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) April 2, 2020

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone pic.twitter.com/ewBTvH3DLG
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) April 5, 2020

My daughter looks at the TV
“Why is Putin there?”
“That’s not Putin.”
“That’s Putin.”
Day 27 pic.twitter.com/TENK3UFVk6
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) April 1, 2020

Not muting your mic is the new reply all
— Dani Burger (@daniburgz) March 30, 2020

Punctuation matters pic.twitter.com/f4L0IG0ZjD
— Laura Martínez® (@miblogestublog) April 1, 2020

If you're feeling a bit down cause of self isolation just cut bread into a hand shape and when it pops up in the toaster it feels like someone is giving you a high 5 pic.twitter.com/bY1jyFIPKg
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 2, 2020

I don’t know if anyone else can relate to this but for me, so far, 2020 has been bad
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) April 4, 2020

March 29, 2020 — 0

Tweets that made me laugh the most this week

New meal schedule:
*Breakfast
*Second Breakfast
*Elevenses
*Snack, Part I
*Lunch
*Lunch Dessert
*Snack II: 2 Fast 2 Salty
*Snack III: Nacho Drift
*Sure, let's call it "Dinner"
*Episode IV: A New Snack
*Snack V: The Jalapeño Strikes Back
*The Ice Cream Course
*Night cheese
— Dorothy Bendel (@DorothyBendel) March 27, 2020

If there's a baby boom in 9 months, it'll consist entirely of first-born children.
— Winston Chang (@winston_chang) March 24, 2020

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus pic.twitter.com/azYjG7WU3H
— Jules (@Julian_Epp) March 28, 2020

Coronavirus coverage. pic.twitter.com/E5oAzcX9hn
— TwistedDoodles (@twisteddoodles) March 25, 2020

BREAKING: Customs officials at Dover have discovered two tons of toilet roll hidden inside cocaine.
— Sarah (@MaidenSarah1) March 22, 2020

In case you are wondering how parenting twins is going… pic.twitter.com/P0pRCUS8Sf
— Conz Preti (@conz) March 25, 2020

a small thermal exhaust port right below the main port pic.twitter.com/p4TPyAfSkL
— David Mack (@davidmackau) March 23, 2020

March 21, 2020 — 0

Tweets that made me laugh the most this week

There’s a need for humor in these times—and not the dark, unintentional kind you see in White House briefings. Here are my favorite seven tweets from the past seven days.

My Quarantine Routine

I just wanted to share what works for me. This is just to give me structure and a sense of stability

9 am – 2 am: wake up & stare at my phone
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) March 20, 2020

For literature buffs:

“Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father told him the trip to discover ice was postponed indefinitely.”
— Tim Wu (@superwuster) March 19, 2020

“Here’s how the Bogotá River [so polluted that Aterciopelados wrote a song about it] looked this morning after 5 days of quarantine.”

Así amaneció el río Bogotá después de estos 5 días de cuarentena. pic.twitter.com/rQyxyMAFyt
— Covid-19 TobiasKane Fitipaldi (@KaneTobiasT) March 19, 2020

Seeing a lot of people complain of boredom during this time & I will share with you my tip to keep boredom at bay: I think about how I am going to get a horrible virus
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) March 21, 2020

“Another end of the world is possible”

pic.twitter.com/Lf6cwqXAiG
— Lukas Slothuus (@lslothuus) March 13, 2020

Read the replies if you don’t get the reference right away:

please check your basement https://t.co/6X2rfkmv3p
— ponyo fishy in the sea (@niazahraaa) March 19, 2020

And of course, the now-classic “Quarantine day 6”:

Quarantine day 6. pic.twitter.com/er652Oy3Ki
— jamie (@gnuman1979) March 16, 2020

October 5, 2018 — 0

In the middle of writing a huge report at home. Right now I’m filling in “conclusions” on page 87 of the 91-page “findings-conclusions-recommendations” matrix I created to hold all the information we gathered in Colombia. In plainer English, that means I’m really far along.

I did go to the kitchen for a lunch break a little while ago, though, as noted on Twitter.

I wanted a burrito. But then I was like “No, a salad would be the right thing to eat.” I got lettuce and a cucumber out of the fridge. But then I put them away and microwaved a burrito.

My point is: I totally Jeff Flaked my lunch just now.

— Adam Isacson (@adamisacson) October 5, 2018

August 6, 2017 — 0